Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
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Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
one of
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.