“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
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By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Welcome to the stomach
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”