Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
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How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup