The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
i spent way too long on this
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
My typo game is string.