I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
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“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work