[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
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Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
When you don’t understand how floors work
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement