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What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now