Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Webb. James Webb.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.