“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
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Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo