read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.