does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.