I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
A choir of Spring onions
Perfect.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.