[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Bloody internet 😳
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.