VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”