I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.