Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
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ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
reduce, reuse, recycle
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey