i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
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*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Thinking about Jeff
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes