I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Eggs benadryl my favourite
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Has science gone too far?
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking