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This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.