Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
You Might Also Like
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest