Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
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Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.