First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
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In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
This fish is cracking me up
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”