Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
You Might Also Like
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Always a metermaid never a meter
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket