Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
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Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).