If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
You Might Also Like
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Haha good job!!
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.