Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I’m ready for Halloween this year
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
a god among men
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot