The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
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pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Me if I was a dog
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Jail