What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
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Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.