Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I’m giving up ice.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Potatoes were such a good idea
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*