(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
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Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.