He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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Netflix and you sit over there.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.