Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
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Wikigenius
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
welp
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff