the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
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Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.