when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
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This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying