If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
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Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.