I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
They got Raph!
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.