you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
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15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.