How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
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if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Inside you there are two wolves
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…