Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.