Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.