Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
thinking about a very short hotdog
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.