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People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th