What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
This cat wants you to take your pills
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.