my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
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ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
So inspired right now.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though