Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”