Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
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It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
bought wrong eggs
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Actually cracking up @ this