What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
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May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.