Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
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I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I’m not average. I’m mean.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.