I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
the official breakfast of 2021
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans: