Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”